


How I Killed My Lover

by toomanycurls



Series: Remus/Tonks and Wolfstar [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 09:45:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4430567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanycurls/pseuds/toomanycurls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I spent a good deal of my life avoiding love. I’ve always been a very romantically minded person, but it didn’t seem practical for a werewolf to bother with love... Death, there is always death when a werewolf falls in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lines Depicting Simple Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> About you there is nothing I wouldn’t want to know  
> With you nothing is simple yet nothing is simpler  
> About you many good things come into relation

I spent a good deal of my life avoiding love. Despite being a very romantically minded person it didn’t seem practical for a werewolf to bother with love. There was too much risk involved and I don’t mean the usual pangs of heartbreak or rejection. I mean death – there’s always death involved when a werewolf falls in love. I didn’t know any other werewolves from whom I could extract this assumption but it was and has been my gut feeling on the matter since, well, since I started thinking about romance.   
  
Being the idiot that I can be, I went against my gut. I fell for a woman and it cost her more than she ever thought it would. I fooled myself into believing a lie - that we could make thing work… that we’d be happy. I hope to get to that part later on though. Sifting through my memories of her has made it painfully clear that, although I did not raise a hand to her, my wolfishness killed her. I alone bear the fault in her death.   
  
When I met her… It’s still hard to say her name… when I first met Nymphadora, or Tonks as she preferred to be called, I knew quite a bit about her. I was best friends with her mother’s cousin, Sirius Black, whose idea it was to probe her out as a member of the Order. He thought she would make a great addition to our ranks. Dumbledore agreed with his assessment and asked Kingsley and Arthur Weasley to stage a conversation about our meeting in front of her. Dumbledore said she was quite clever and nosey so she’d ask about their whispering. Sirius mentioned she was a metamorphmagus, which was a rare skill indeed. I was interested to meet her.  
  
I wish I could say that I was debonair and swept her off her feet, which most men claim when they describe themselves in a romantic sense. However, I’m not most men and my sweeping skills were quite rusty. My initial impression of her was similar to breathing fresh air for the first time in many years. She wasn’t very refined and came across as being a bit daft, but she did have spunk to her. Tonks had a brightness about her which was only accentuated by the shocking pink shade of hair she sported at the first Order meeting.

She was just as inquisitive and Dumbledore said she would be, asking questions when she was unsure of a plan. I could tell right away that she was bright. Tonks managed to come up with a brilliant idea to get Harry’s aunt and uncle out of their house in a moment’s notice.  Her youthful exuberance was a delight, though, I was reluctant to pay her too much attention, not wanting to seem imprudent. I wasn’t thinking of her as a potential romantic partner – just a unique individual I wanted to know better. She was the flame in the room which naturally attracted attention of a moth such as myself.

Despite my awed feelings, I didn’t talk to her very much that night. In my few brief exchanges with her that night, I managed to commit a faux pas by introducing her as Nymphadora to Fred and George. Her voice was slightly sharp as she corrected me. I quite liked the sound of Nymphadora so I decided to use it in spite of her preference. It reminded me of the name of a goddess from a poem I read in my youth.

I hate to sound doltish or cliché, but my infatuation with Tonks began the night I met her although I tried to ignore it. I am an observer by nature. I saw her as a new puzzle to piece together, a new work of art to analyze. After the others went to bed and she was alone with Sirius and me, I saw some intriguing flairs to her personality as she and Sirius caught up on family news. 

“How’s Andromeda?” Sirius asked with his eyes fixed to a point above Tonks’ shoulder. He always avoided eye contact when he spoke of something painful or important. The first time I noticed this behavior was after his broomstick was snapped in two by his mother during the summer holiday.

“She’s doing ‘right. Always worried though - nags me about having a dangerous job,” Tonks laughed airily, her face glowing with affection for her mother. I could tell that, no matter how much she complained, she wouldn’t want her mother any other way. “How’s life on the outside?” she asked with a vivacious smile. 

“Oh it’s bloody wonderful.” Sirius’ words rang with sarcasm. “I’ve always wanted to watch others running around fighting evil while I sit back and clean house.” I thought his harshness would cause Tonks to recoil, but she didn’t. 

“So you like being a voyeur?” she asked with a wink, causing Sirius to form a grudging smile. “You know I’m part of the ‘Catch Sirius Black’ team? I could take you in if you’d prefer life in Azkaban.” Tonks looked pensive for a moment then said, “I could use the prize money too; I’ve had my eye on a new broom.” Sirius voiced his relief that a broom was more important to her than his liberty. “Just thought I’d offer an alternative.” she answered with a sharp laugh.

I could see that she and Sirius would be good friends – they both liked to match wits and jest. I realized that I was not making the effort to chat that I usually made with people. Feeling rude for not being social, I offered to walk Tonks to the door when she left. I said that she might run into Kreacher, which is always a bit of a shock. We made it up to the umbrella stand and Tonks managed to trip over it.

Tonks fell into my arms looking quite surprised to be there. I’ll admit that feeling her close to me was a momentary shock for me as well as it felt like years since I last felt another person that close to me. Tonks smiled sheepishly as I helped her to her feet. Sirius came up the stairs to investigate the ruckus, narrowing his eyes as they saw my arm was still securely around Tonks’ waist. Unaware that I was still holding onto her, I let go like a person lets go of a hot pan. Her eyes twinkled as she walked towards the door, waving goodbye. I listened for a moment after the door shut, expecting to hear the trash cans topple over. 

Sirius’ smile was slightly twisted – I couldn’t tell if was on the verge of jealousy or jest. “Making a move already, Moony?” He was joking, which was something of a relief but I still blushed. When I didn’t answer he rolled his eyes. “You’re always touchy about the F-factor.”

I didn’t have to ask what the F-factor was as it held one of two meanings. Female was the one he usually meant as he often brought up the problematic nature of relationships with women, but sometimes it meant Farah - a woman I was once foolish enough to love.  

“What did you think of her?” Sirius asked me watching my face carefully. It took him the better part of 20 years but he learned how to read me and he had it down to an art. 

“She’ll be a good addition,” I said vaguely. “To the Order,” I added. Sirius raised his eyebrows, telling me he found my answer inadequate. “Well, she’s smart and funny. I wonder though… do you think she uses her metamorphagus abilities to change her daily appearance?”

Sirius laughed before saying, “You’re such a dog, Remus.” I shot Sirius a stern look as I didn’t mean it like  _that_. “She looks a lot like her parents - apart from the hair. So, no, I don’t think she’s prancing around looking much different than she would if she wasn’t a metamorphmagus.” Sirius was trying to read my face. I was determined not to blush. I found her attractive, but I wouldn’t dream of pursuing her. “I think the two of you would be a good match,” Sirius added in an unusually thoughtful tone. 

“Oh yeah, I’m sure she’d  _love_  to be with a werewolf who’s almost twice her age,” I said with a bite of sarcasm. “I don’t know where you got your brain, but I hope you kept the receipt.” Sirius smirked at me as he always did when he pushed a button. Not sure why his comment hit a nerve like it did, I went to bed before he goaded me into saying anything else rash. 

The next day, I had every intention of making it clear to Sirius that I did  _not_  fancy Tonks. I found her to be an intriguing person… but the thought of actively seeking anything more than friendship with her was absurd. I was mulling over ways to make a clear friendship delineation when I heard a crash near the entryway. 

Tonks was flat on her back with the umbrella stand clenched to her chest. I walked over to her and looked down at her. She had a scrunched look on her face as if she was trying to will her situation to be less awkward. When she opened her eyes, I said that she could keep the umbrella stand if she liked it so much. After helping Tonks up, her cheeks were flushed from apparent embarrassment. She did not linger past a quiet word of thanks before hurrying downstairs.

I was quite surprised while we all were making dinner that the kitchen didn’t explode. Molly had the foresight to give Tonks a thoroughly non-volatile and non-mobile job during which she managed to soak us all in butterbeer. Well, by ‘us all’ I mean my shoe and a large area of the floor.

I felt slightly responsible for the mess as my gaze focused on Tonks while she poured the drinks. Her hands shook slightly and she appeared nervous, which struck me as odd - the woman had a job where she could face some of the most evil and vile wizards, but pouring drinks made her nervous. She caught me looking at her so I refocused on my task. Her eyes must have lingered on me for too long because the next sound we heard was the clang of goblets and the loud expletive that left Tonk’s lips. I dashed towards the table in an attempt to do… something but I only managed to get a shoe full of liquid. 

The meeting that night was quite crowded which meant I was shunted into a corner next to Tonks, not that I minded. She had been changing her nose during dinner and evidentially enjoyed the reaction it got out of people. Her last nose was similar to that of Alastor Moody. His eye kept drifting to Tonks during the meeting, which was unlike him to notice anyone, but I imagined that the combination of Tonks’ vibrant personality and her copy of his nose captured his gaze as it would any man. She seemed puzzled by his glances, seeming unaware that her nose was in an unusual shape. I leaned close to her putting my hand on her knee to get her attention and said, “Your nose.” Tonks’ eyes grew in dismay as she dropped her quill and resurfaced with her usual nose. 

I had a moment of panic, having touched her in a far too intimate manner. She didn’t seem fazed at all by the brief contact but for a man who had not as much as  _hugged_  a woman in a matter of years, it felt akin to groping her in front of a large group. I caught a smell of something that threw my mind through a curve.  _Pheromones_ \- she had been aroused.

Being a werewolf had more downsides than I could possibly list, but one of the few advantages were the advanced senses. It wasn’t anything super-wizard, but they were refined. I could smell fear, anger, and arousal - among other things. I told myself that her arousal was purely reactionary, much like hitting two rocks together and getting a spark. 

Tonks watched the meeting like a cat watches mice run around a kitchen. While she didn’t speak often, she was alert during the entire meeting. Instead of lingering that evening, Tonks left with Moody. Much to my surprise, he was  _chatting_  with her. The Moody I knew didn’t chat, but Moody didn’t know many Aurors like her either. I highly doubted that Tonks realized she was so captivating with a raw charm that pulled people towards her. I forced her to the back of my mind that night but was unsuccessful. The more I thought about her smile, her lips the more I felt guilt and self-disgust. I couldn’t shake her smile from my mind’s eye. 

I was slightly anxious before the next meeting. Sirius noticed and goaded me for it. “Moony, it doesn’t matter how many times you check your reflection, you’ll still see your face in the mirror. Sorry.” He grinned roguishly and started twirling his wand in his hands. 

Turning away from the mirror, feeling embarrassed that he caught me preening, I said, “I just can’t get over how  _old_  I look.”  

Sirius laughed without really looking at me; he was distracting himself with a deck of cards. I worried that he was upset by my unspoken preoccupation until he said, “Lucky for you some women go for the ‘older man’ look - especially once you add ‘professor’ to your name. I’m surprised you didn’t have any students chasing you at Hogwarts.” Sirius smirked, his eyes flitting towards me.   
  
 “ _You_  are a dog,” I laughed, rolling my eyes. Sirius had spent the last fourteen years without companionship and that kind of depravation was torture for him. He acquired a hobby of reading smut, but it wasn’t near the same for him as being with a person. 

We stopped our conversation when we heard the doorbell ring. The geniuses always used the doorbell despite the havoc it caused inside. Moody ran the meeting again and belabored the details of extracting Harry from Privet Drive. From the way Moody described the mission, it was likely we’d experience one, if not several fatalities. Moody was on the verge of extreme paranoia before Barty Crouch Jr. kidnapped and incarcerated him for nearly a year; by comparison the old Moody seemed almost carefree compared to the man leading us now.

After the meeting Tonks hung back again, asking us questions about Harry in the same way a person gets notes right before an exam. Tonks’ questions weren’t the usual questions people asked about Harry. She didn’t bother inquiring if he  _really_  had a scar like most people did; that would be too obvious of a question for her to ask. Tonks did ask what his favorite color was, how he did in school, and our favorite memory of Harry. 

We didn’t know what his favorite color was; he wasn’t exactly fashion savvy, but I could answer about his best subject in school.

“Harry excels at Defense against the Dark Arts,” I said feeling proud at the thought. “I taught him to do a patronus charm a couple of years back.” Tonks eyes lit up in surprise. She let out a low ‘wow.’ “He worked at it relentlessly. The dementors were a threat and he near passed out when he was near them.” I was about to explain why he reacted to them as he did, but Tonks’ face showed every sign of understanding. 

“Saved my life actually,” Sirius added. “Same night he attacked me actually.” Tonks looked perplexed, I couldn’t blame her given that most gossip columns had more linear stories than we were presenting. “I was trying to kill Peter Pettigrew - a traitor former friend who was living as a rat that belonged to Ron.” He gestured towards the ceiling to indicate the Ron who was upstairs. “I was running around as a dog—”

“You guys are animagi? No wonder we couldn’t find you,” Tonks laughed. “Good thing we don’t know though,” she added, smiling mischievously.

“The three of us, James, Peter and I did it,” he said shortly. Sirius was too eager to tell her his story for details of the past to get in the way. “I saw Ron carrying Pettigrew and I had to get him. Harry and Hermione were running after them, the idiots were headed towards the Whomping Willow. I grabbed Ron and with him Peter, dragging them to a tunnel under the tree.”

“There’s something  _under_  it?” Tonks asked incredulously.  “That thing nearly took my left ear off in my fourth year. How’d you get close to it?”

“There’s a knot that freezes the tree,” I explained. “We used it quite often at school during our rule-breaking days.”

Sirius laughed. “You make it sound like we  _stopped_  breaking rules at some point. We ended up in detention so often that Filch didn’t have to do half his duties, the lot of us end up in detention and do them instead.” I coughed slightly - Sirius made it sound like I also landed myself in detention. “Remus here was our voice of reason, not that we listened.”

“You’re sidetracked,” I said nudging Sirius. He snapped back into story-telling mode. Everything was fine until we got to the part where Harry and Hermione traveled back in time to save Sirius from the dementors. 

“You’re pulling me leg,” she said with a half-cocked grin. Tonks wasn’t one to be easily swayed to believe our tale. We spent the better part of fifteen minutes explaining why they had a time turner.

“So, you’re both either incredible liars  _or_  telling me the truth. Now if it was just you, Sirius, I’d say you were taking the mickey, but I trust Remus a bit more than I trust you.” Sirius’ indignant look drew a laugh from Tonks.

 “I see how far blood gets me,” he grinned as he spoke. “Back to the story! They used the time turner and saved themselves and me - twice actually. Then I rode off on Buckbeak.”

Tonks laughed and yawned at the same time, the hours passed unnoticed by us. “I think I’m going home; I have to get out of bed in the morning.”

Sirius, in all of his subtlety, made to kick me under the table. Holding in a grimace at the thud Sirius made, I offered to walk Tonks upstairs in fear that Sirius might say something ridiculously inappropriate. Tonks smiled brightly and agreed to have my company. 

We made it past the umbrella stand without incident. I was going to congratulate Tonks on her achievement, but Hermione’s cat came out of nowhere and collided with her feet. “I guess some things never change,” she said as we both chuckled.

I stopped when we got to the door and opened my mouth to say goodnight when she asked me to walk with her a bit more. I agreed and pulled a sweater from the closet; it was a bit chilly out that night.

“Make that one yourself?” she asked with a grin. I looked at my sweater in mock concern and asked if the sleeves were off, pausing a moment before saying that I did make it. When Sirius had found out I could knit, he said I’d make someone a good wife one day. I glanced at Tonks as she mentioned special training in the field of ‘hand-made sweaters and their Dark counterparts.’ She laughed loudly and I smiled.

“Dark sweaters? Like the ones you see at Christmas?” I asked mildly, causing Tonks to snort and let out a loud ‘yes!’ My stomach squirmed at the flirtation but I quickly squashed that idea; she was just being nice. We walked in silence for a few moments, my stomach still doing flips. 

“D’you think it’ll really be dangerous tomorrow?” she asked coming to a stop. I stopped too and looked off into the distance, not sure how to answer. There was always the possibility of something going wrong. My gaze returned to Tonks - hair was very pretty under the glow of the streetlights.

Finally, I said that with luck, we’d get through everything. She laughed, fidgeting slightly before asking, “All that planning and we’re relying on luck?” She raised an eyebrow with a coy expression on her soft face. 

I tore my gaze away from her face, wishing my stomach would stop doing back flips. “Well, luck and some highly trained witches and wizards.” I glanced around, hoping that I’d find something to focus on other than her bright eyes.

She let out a ‘hmm’ and muttered something I didn’t catch. I did notice that she was very close to me and before I could register what she was doing, Tonks kissed me sensually. My lips did the thinking for me, responding to her kiss with the same vigorous passion. My hand was a bit slow on the uptake but it eventually found its way to her waist and stayed there. 

Tonks took her time pulling out of the kiss saying, “That should take care of the luck part.” She looked dreamy as she backed away a few feet and disapparated.

I stood there much like a hippogriff caught in headlights and couldn’t muster a verbal goodbye. My cheeks were flushed from her kiss with lips felt cold without her mouth pressed against them. A breeze hit my face and I could feel the sharp contrast between where her tongue brushed against me and where it had not.

Deciding to delay my return to Grimmauld Place, I sat on a swing set at the park we used for apparition trying to purge my mind of the thoughts her kiss instilled in my head. She was being friendly – or so I kept telling myself. Closing my eyes, I tried to make myself to forget the aroma of arousal she emitted before she left.  _It was just a friendly gesture, much like a handshake._  That’s what I kept telling myself. I doubted that she was obsessing over the kiss nearly as much I was. With that thought, I headed back to Grimmauld Place trying to think of an excuse for my prolonged absence. 

A/N: Alright! This story is being re-written along with Epitaph of a Good Man. They go very much hand-in-hand with this story giving the ending to both stories. A few changes I’m making this story is to make a few complications to Sirius and Remus’ relationship here as I ship Wolfstar rather hardcore as well as Remus/Tonks. The title and summary for this chapter are from Lines Depicting Simple Happiness by Peter Gizzi.


	2. Sorrows of the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A poet of great piety, a foe of sleep,  
> Catches in the hollow of his hand that tear,  
> An opal fragment, iridescent as a star;  
> Within his heart, far from the sun, it’s buried deep

Images from kissing Tonks crept into my mind at uncomfortable moments the next day. The worst instance was in the shower. I was, well, _taming the wolf_ \- not something I did during every shower, but parts of my body were acting on their own accord. I thought it best to work  _that_  out before I had to be functional around people. I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and definitely didn’t hear Sirius come in to use the toilet. There  _were_  other bathrooms, but he insisted he liked that toilet the best. Usually he wouldn’t bat an eyelash when he heard his best mate taking care of himself, but he heard something slip my lips, something I had not meant to say.

“ _Tonks_.”  My eyes shot open and I nearly slipped backwards but was able to regain balance. It was then that I noticed Sirius in the loo with his back was to me. “Don’t you ever knock?” I asked tersely. 

Sirius glanced over his shoulder. “No, why would I?” I muttered something about giving privacy. “If you wanted to wank off to Tonks in private, you would have locked the door.” The smirk in his voice rang clear as a bell. I grabbed a towel and stole to my room, making sure to lock the door as I dressed. 

On top of being worried about getting Harry that night, I was a bit worried that Sirius would tell Tonks about my shower incident. My worries about Sirius’ behavior came to nothing. As much as he’d push my buttons when we were alone or in a small group, he was mature enough to not do so in public. He once reduced me to tears during our time at school, afterwards he still jested and pushed my buttons, but he stopped before it got to be too much. 

Tonks walked into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place looking apprehensive. She must have regretted the kiss from the previous night which I couldn’t blame her. Well, I hoped she enjoyed it, but it didn’t seem she wanted to openly acknowledge what happened. Tonks had purple hair that day and was carrying a guitar case. While pink was my preference, I rather liked her purple hair.

When we left for Privet Drive I was behind Tonks as she ascended the stairs. She almost tripped over the umbrella stand, but Moody pulled her away. Her need for tripping being unfulfilled, she stumbled into Emmeline Vance. I couldn’t help but smirk, thinking she moved like a bludger during a quidditch game. Tonks caught my eye and asked if something was amusing me.

“No, nothing Nympha-” She cut me off and corrected me. I would have thought she was angry if not for the twinkle in her eyes and her lingering gaze. 

I couldn’t wipe the smirk from my face. Tonks noticed it and commented, “With a smirk like that you either got shagged or won the lottery. But, seeing as Sirius didn’t look nearly as content as you do, I’m guessing the lottery.”

She wasn’t the first person to joke that Sirius were more than friends but I doubted she knew we had once been so much more than that. I held back I laugh and told her that present company made me smirk. It was too flirtatious and I was sending the wrong signals. I knew I had to set things straight that night and let her know that I wasn’t  _that_  kind of guy… that I couldn’t be more than a friend. 

Getting Harry couldn’t have gone smoother. Well, it could have, but we managed to pull it off without any hold ups. My casual flirtation was slightly confirmed as I watched Tonks joke with Moody. She was nice like that naturally and it didn’t necessarily indicate attraction. As we got ready to take off, I eyed Tonks’ harness, wondering why she’d have that lying around as it was big enough to carry several trunks. She shrunk it down to size as she attached Harry’s trunk to her broom. Perhaps she had questionable extracurricular activities. As we flew back to Grimmauld Place, I kept my mind off Tonks - we were after all, in the middle of a dangerous mission. When we landed, Tonks struggled with the trunk. She was in danger of toppling over so I went to her aide right away.

“Let me help you,” I said, extending a hand towards her.

She was teetering on top of the trunk, legs not quite long enough for her to dismount gracefully. Tonks said there was no need but then swayed dangerously. I helped Tonks off before she could say she was doing it all right on her own.

“Nice harness, by the way,” I said quietly as we carried the trunks in. Flirting again – this was not proper behavior. Tonks grinned mischievously and I knew I had to nip this in the bud. 

I waited until after dinner, when she was on her way out. Tonks’ eyes lit up when I offered to walk her out. I was working out the words to use; I didn’t want to sound presumptuous and every way I thought to say ‘I want to be just friends’ made me sound egotistic, at best.

Thankfully, Tonks initiated the talk with, “I guess that luck helped out.” She was smiling at me eagerly. 

My next breath was sharp and I forced out the words that had been playing in my mind. “It’s best if we were just friends, nothing more. I’m…” It occurred to me that she might not know. “I’m a werewolf.” I told all of this to her shoes. Tonks caressed my cheek with her hand, lifting my gaze up to her heart-shaped face. 

Our eyes met for a few moments, both trying to read the other. “I know that, and if it bothered me, I wouldn’t be here,” Tonks said, pulling me into a tight hug, much too tight to be a ‘just friends’ hug.

When she stepped away she was smiling in a way that made it plain she was related to Sirius. “If I was trying to be more than your friend, you’d know by now.” I let out an involuntary laugh - Sirius used to say that all the time. Shaking my head slightly I told her she was a lot like him. Tonks was smiling slightly when she disapparated. 

Sirius was waiting up for me when I got back to Grimmauld Place. “You were out late,” he said looking over a book he was thumbing through. I had taken a walk around the block to clear my head before returning to headquarters. 

Raising my eyebrows I countered with, “You’re not my mother.”

Smirking, Sirius replied, “Definitely not. Which is too bad because she had a nice bum.”

“You stayed up to tell me that?” I asked, taking a seat across from him in the study. 

 “Of course not. I wanted to see how late you’d be snogging Tonks,” Sirius said in a would-be casual voice.

He hadn’t mentioned the events of the morning up until that point – I had been hoping he would forget hearing me say her name but one of the ramifications of being stuck at Grimmauld Place was Sirius becoming overly interested in the lives of others. In our younger days, he had been impassive, if not completely unaware that other people had lives. Now he was actively involved in the sort of pestering worthy of a gossip column reporter. I grabbed a book and started to read it, rather I stared at the pages. Sirius coughed to remind me that I should say something about the snogging Tonks allegation.

“We did not snog,” I said sounding churlish. “I should go to bed.” I got up yawning and mumbled goodnight. Truthfully, I  _was_  tired, but I mainly wanted to avoid more questions from Sirius.

As I approached the door, Sirius commented, “If you have _plans_ be sure to lock the door.”

Ignoring Sirius’ comment, I didn’t lock the door to my room but I soon wished I had. About the time when my eyelids started to close lazily, the door opened. I looked around in the dark, smelling something, but I couldn’t see anything. I was about to tell Kreacher to go away when Padfoot leaped at me barking. I let out a yell as he went for my leg with one wet, slobbery tongue.

“Get off me, Sirius,” I said, yanking my leg away from his lapping tongue. Sirius left without transforming back to himself. I didn’t think dogs could smirk but Sirius’ muzzle was certainly trying. 

Work kept me busy in the following weeks. Parts of it was like being in school again. I would go to the Ministry and talk to some wanks about Magical Creatures, pray against hope that they didn’t know about my wolfish side, write reports, and deal with Sirius. I spent many nights reading books on magical creatures I had yet to come across, feeling grateful that Grimmauld Place had a sizable study with a good selection of books. Tonks managed to find me in there reading late one night. I didn’t know why she was there; it had to be close to midnight. She grabbed a book about werewolves and sat down at the table with me.

“You’re up late,” I said, glancing up. “Interesting book,” I added noticing the one she had selected. I couldn’t help but wonder if she picked that one out on purpose or if it was coincidental. 

Tonks looked up, the bags under her eyes were quite noticeable. “Oh, yeah, but I think it’s a bit outdated,” she said with a look of disgust. I had read that book some time before - it suggested that people slit the throats of all werewolves they encounter. “How have you been?” she asked with her gaze back on the book. 

“Work has been fair – keeping me busy at least. How’s guard duty going?” I asked looking up.

With an extravagant yawn, Tonks said, “Exhausting. Only a few of us have Ministry access that wouldn’t look suspicious so I’ve had quite a few sleepless nights.”

“Why aren’t you at home in bed then?” I certainly didn’t mind her company but bed was the most sensible destination for someone in need of a rest.

Tonks glanced up for a moment before answering. “I miss having company. Sirius and everyone else is in bed.” She turned around and grabbed another book, one titled  _Purebloods and Where to Find Them_. Flipping through this book caused her to scowl again. After a few moments of silence she asked, “Is it hard?” 

I looked up from the notes I was taking. “Pardon me?” I asked thinking I misheard her. Thankfully, Sirius was not anywhere in earshot to make a joke at the moment. It didn’t seem like her to just ask about something so intimate. Kissing was one thing, but inquiring to the status of- well  _that_  was something I doubted even Sirius would do. 

Tonks stared hard at the book. “Never mind, it was a stupid question.” Now I _really_ didn’t know what she meant. Inappropriate, sure, but stupid? “I’m sorry I asked.”

I put my quill down. “I’m not sure what you asked,” I said trying to read her face. She finally reestablished eye contact with me. “Please.” My voice was hoarse but gentle. “Tell me what you meant.”

She let out a breath as if gearing to jump into a bathtub with a grindylow. “Is it hard being a werewolf?”

That was the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth. Of course it was hard, but I had a feeling there was more to her question. “I’ve never known a werewolf before,” she started to explain after a moment of silence, “And I was thinking how difficult it must have been- especially up until the Wolfsbane potion came out. Even then, you have to transform. I just thought it’d be difficult.”

Shock was surging through my brain. No one had really talked to me about this before. Most people just assumed that life was more difficult as a werewolf without inquiring about it. “It doesn’t just have a physical effect on me. There have always been social repercussions, personal ones too but it’s something I’ve gotten used to.”

A sad look fell on Tonks’ face. “That sounds so lonely,” she said quietly, shutting the book she had been looking at. I gulped feeling that this would soon work into an awkward moment. Tonks stood up with a small smile.

“It’s late and I don’t want to bother you anymore.” She left squeezing my shoulder. I called out a delayed goodbye as she left. I couldn’t concentrate after that so I went to bed, deciding to attribute the excessive thought she put into my condition to her long nights at the Ministry. I was sure she ran out of interesting things to mull over after the first few nights. 

Before I knew it, Harry’s hearing was upon us. I made a point of being up a lot earlier than usual to see Harry off. Sirius was up with Arthur and Molly when I went into the kitchen. Tonks wandered in a few minutes later, looking dead on her feet. She sat next to me resting her head into her hands. I started talking about Macnair and his lack of apparent Death Eater activity.

Harry came in looking like he wanted to be invisible. We all said good morning as he sat down. Tonks told us that Scrimgeour was asking some odd questions, yawning with every other word. I wondered how many days she had been up. Before long, Harry left with Arthur to his hearing.

“What sort of questions is he asking?” I was worried that he was noticing people acting oddly or if he was being shrewd - perhaps both. 

A sense of foreboding sunk in as she said he asked her about her lack of energy and that her explanation had been a new boyfriend. Tonks’ boyfriend lie had the ring of a fib that could get the Order into trouble later. What would happen is someone inquired as to her lover’s identity? Tonks looked too tired to really mull that over as she was nodding off at the table. I insisted that she needed to get some sleep and offered my room for her – Grimmauld place was spacious but with the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione staying there room were at a shortage. 

Tonks didn’t object as I led her up the stairs and into my room. I pulled the covers back for her and made sure she actually got into bed. She probably wouldn’t have noticed if she slept on a bed of bowtruckles, but I couldn’t bear the thought of her being uncomfortable. I stood near her waiting for her to swing her legs into bed when she asked me something I hadn’t expected at all.

“Why don’t you stay with me?” Her voice was tense, almost nervous. 

I was going to flat-out say no when she took my hand and said please. It was too Sirius-ish but something in Tonks’ voice – perhaps it was the genuine vulnerability in her voice – that made me comply. I slipped off my shoes and crawled into bed, suddenly remembering that I had to write to work. I got up and paced the room. Tonks’ amused laughter filled my ears.

“I have to send a note to work,” I explained, grabbing a parchment and scribbling a note. Midday, I could be midday. A sigh escaped my lips after I sent it the note. 

Crawling into bed with Tonks caused my stomach to squirm with delight. It was then I learned that Tonks was a cuddle bug. She nuzzled against me, the soft skin of her cheek nestled against my neck. I could hear her take in a deep breath. Smiling she kissed me half on the lips, half on the cheek andpulled my arm over her as if it were a blanket. Tonks was out in a matter of moments and, much to my surprise, I fell asleep too. It was strangely relaxing there with Tonks. I knew that I couldn’t let this go to my head or give me thoughts of anything but being her friend, but it was comforting to feel someone else’s body willingly pressed against mine.

I didn’t wake up until she stirred in my arms. Her back had been to me but she turned over to face me. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know what she was doing. Her eyes were raking over my features, taking in the scars, probably wondering how one man could have so many. Then her hands were gently touching my face. It was an innocent gesture but for me it was quite sensual. I didn’t say anything until she brushed some hair from my eyes.

“Considering how tired you were at breakfast, you’re certainly awake now,” I commented with a smile finding its way to my lips. Tonks’ smile was immediate and breathtaking. It probably wouldn’t make it into an advert, but it was enough to wheedle its way into my dark mind.

“Two people sleeping together results in four time the rest,” she rattled off as if it were a common proverb.

 “More of your Auror training,” I said with a laugh – it was difficult not to play along when she was ridiculous. Tonks nodded, her eyes were still taking in my face. I wanted to ask her something that I usually wouldn’t be so bold as to ask, but she had been bold with me so I went for it. “Why don’t you like to sleep alone?”

Tonks’ face fell slightly. It seemed for a second that she didn’t have a reason for dragging me into bed with her until her voice, in an unusually quiet tone, said, “Our house was attacked… Death Eaters. I was just about to go to Hogwarts. They…” She took in a sharp breath. 

A world of things they could have done filled my head, horrible cruel things. “Did they hurt you?” I put my hand on Tonks’ waist wanting to comfort her in some way.

Shaking her head, Tonks explained, “They were sent to threaten my parents but didn’t get carried away. A few of them charged into my room though – it still gives me nightmares.”

Her eyes communicated the intimacy of this information. I had a feeling that most men, when asked to sleep in a bed with Tonks, would take that as a green light to let their hands roam free. I could understand the terror of being alone in the night with only one’s nightmares.

I pulled out one of my oldest friends – my security rabbit, Freckles. I told Tonks about him saying he was a gift from my parents after I was bitten. She took him in the tender way one might expect her to take a newborn.

“He’s darling.” she breathed stroking his ears. “I sleep with Elvis, my body pillow.” I laughed and so did she. Unfortunately, the clock soon caught my eyes and responsibility kicked in. I rushed off to work, taking care to sneak out without Sirius or anyone else noticing me. 

My cheeks were flushed most of the day, which helped them believe I had been sick. I couldn’t quite get over the way I felt next to Tonks. She was dominating my thoughts effortlessly while I doubted I made a foray in hers. I kept trying not to think like that. I shouldn’t be anywhere near her thoughts much less her sleeping form. At least I could say that my mind would clear itself of these thoughts as the full moon came upon me; that was my theory at least.

 

A/N: The chapter title and summary are from Sorrows of the Moon by Charles Baudelaire.


	3. A Poison Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it grew both day and night.   
> Till it bore an apple bright.   
> And my foe beheld it shine,  
> And he knew that it was mine.

 “Why don’t you stay here for the full moon?” Sirius was disappointed that we could not relive our school days. “You’ll be safe for the others to be around.” He had been using the same argument all day. I didn’t  _want_  to be around people while I transformed. Plus I knew I’d be perfectly fine on my own. “I’ll worry about you,” Sirius said with a pout. 

I gave him a discerning stare and saw genuine concern in his eyes. “Padfoot,” I started, putting a hand on his shoulder. “This won’t be my first transformation… it’s definitely not my first one alone.” I let a cold, short laugh then tried to form a caring expression. “I’ll be fine on my own, trust me.” I left a few minutes after that, wanting to be nestled in before the moon rose in the sky. 

I remembered to strip my clothes before the moon was at its zenith. One reason I preferred solitude during the full moon was that being around people meant remaining dressed and ripping my clothing which was something I couldn't quite afford.

The moon’s effects began to take hold as my hair stood on end. My body tensed up in the same way a person seizes up when they’re caught red-handed and knows their punishment is imminent. In all my years of painful transformations, I hadn’t found a comfortable posture for my change. I’ve tried lying down, standing, stretching out, curling up, doing yoga - but no matter what I chose as my pre-transformation action, my skin tightened, my muscles spasmed and the wolf devoured my body in the same excruciating, bestial way each month.

With wolfsbane, I could concentrate and cling to my sanity. The potion helped calm the beast but it did not make him go away. If I submitted to the wolf, my bite would not inflict other people with the curse I faced at each full moon. Part of me liked bearing the burden alone - it sharpened me and made me face my own demons. I never imagined enjoying my transformations as I had in school. Then again, I never dreamed someone would care enough to stay with me those long and often wearisome nights. 

It wasn’t care or concern that brought Tonks to my place that night. I didn’t detect it right away as I was trying to scare her into leaving with my teeth bared as I growled at her advancing figure. By the time her voice hit my ears and I could smell the fear and panic she tracked in, I realized there was something wrong. Tonks’ voice trembled as she spoke and pleaded to stay.

Even with the wolf surging in my head, I could feel a swell of concern for her safety and well-being overpowering the animal that dominated most my thoughts. I took a bit of her robes into my mouth and led her into my sitting room. If it hadn’t been for the wolf, I would have been mortified at the prospect of having Tonks in my ragged home. 

For someone who had come to me drenched in fear and anger, Tonks’ demeanor changed quickly. The smell of fear ebbed away as she told me what happened. She had been attacked by Dawlish, an Auror in her office. It sounded as if he took it upon himself to investigate her claims of having a significant other. Even though her words were making my blood boil, the sound of her voice had a soothing effect that overpowered the part of my brain that was a wolf. 

Listening to Tonks that night gave me a chance to take in subtle details that I usually wouldn’t catch when I had to worry about articulating a response. The line of Tonks’ jaw and the slope of her neck had a beautiful curve. Her lips seemed a richer red than the ripest apple. Seeing them form words and make her facial gestures was quite an experience for me, even as a wolf. The actual words she said floated through my head like little seeds of a dandelion caught in the wind. Some phrases and discourses stood out more than others, but I was able to follow her speech with interest. I rested my head in her lap, deviously enjoying the close contact. Tonks petted me absentmindedly as she talked occasionally ruffling my fir. 

Tonks got up and stretched after a few hours of talking to me. I watched her, my eyes lingering on her figure longer than I would have if I weren’t battling with the beast. When she said something about sleeping on the couch, I ran to the bed and barked at her.

Generally, I disliked barking, but I didn’t have any other way to tell her that I wanted her to sleep in there. I wish I could say this was merely out of consideration for her fear of sleeping alone, but a lot of it had to do with the moon’s effect on my brain. I did have enough control to look away as Tonks stripped herself of clothing to change. The parts of her I saw before I hid my face gave me thoughts I had been trying to avoid. I despised myself for being so lustful for a woman who came to me in a time of need. 

I couldn’t figure out why she wanted to turn to me during that time of the month. Had it been any of the other days in the lunar cycle, I would have understood. We were not bosom-buddies, but she seemed to trust me and I couldn’t help but place a bit of trust in her. She must have gone to Grimmauld Place after her attack, but what brought her to my house? Surely, Sirius would have said some words of comfort and he would have been entertaining.

 _Maybe she wanted to see_   ** _me_**.

I pushed that thought away as she climbed into bed. I rested my head on her chest—more wolf influence – and drifted off to sleep with my mind buzzing with conflicting thoughts about her intentions. 

It was the cold air that woke me up in the morning. I got under the blanket after transforming back to my human self, but I was in too much of a stupor to call it being awake. I was partly under the blankets with Tonks, so the cold air on my backside was a shock against my skin once time permitted me to be more aware of my surroundings. She started to stroke my head, much in the same way she had the night before.

“I’m not a wolf anymore,” I said dryly. My mind caught up with my senses and I realized that I was starkers. Jumping out of bed, I took the covers with me. Tonks looked away as I put some pants on. I told myself that she was repulsed by my body even though I had a slight inclination she was merely being respectful. Thinking that I repulsed her made it easier for me to also believe she did not think of me in  _that_  way. When Tonks chanced a glance at me, her eyes were taking in the details of my body. She got out of bed and came towards me apprehensively. 

I could see her eyes raking over the fresh abrasions on my exposed flesh, causing her to ask if I would be all right. I answered with a nod - that transformation wasn’t nearly as hard for me as her night must have been. Without considering that we were both in our night things, I pulled Tonks into a hug.

“I’m so sorry about that Dawlish. There has to be something we can do about him,” I paused for a moment as my mind forced out the question plaguing me since the previous evening. “Why did you come  _here_  last night?” My voice was harsher than I meant it to be and Tonks’ eyes fill with tears. 

I pulled away slightly so I could look her in the eyes as she explained. “I went to Grimmauld Place, but you weren’t there and Sirius told me you transformed…” She paused biting her lip before continuing. “I didn’t think you should be here,  _alone_  on the full moon. Well, I wanted to be here for you, for support.”

My mind went to work on her explanation. 

 _But_   **you** _weren’t there_.

Had she gone to Grimmauld Place specifically for me? My thoughts were whirring to dig at the meaning and meaning behind words. The gurgling of Tonks’ stomach brought my attention back to the realm of reality. 

Tonks muttered something about breakfast and went off into the kitchen. I poked my head around the corner slightly worried that part of my home might blow up. I sat at the table listening intently for an indication of Tonks’ progress in the kitchen. I didn’t think I had much to eat in the house, but she came around the corner with two bowls of hot oatmeal and a cup of tea for me. I smirked and commented about the house not being in pieces. She took my jibe in stride, sort of. Tonks’ comeback was a bit odd and involved allusions to making me explode. It was a horrible retort, but I found it to be endearing. 

Kingsley came by while we were eating. Our eyes met for a moment and I knew he was wondering what the blazes I was doing in little more than my undergarments. I dashed off to dress myself listening to Kingsley and Tonks talk. When I came out of the room as she was pondering Dawlish’s behavior.

“I don’t think he’s a Death Eater,” I said quietly. Tonks hadn’t said that’s what she was thinking, but the thought was forming on her face. I went on to explain that he was most likely jealous of her having a boyfriend, which Kingsley agreed with.  As Tonks ran off to get dressed, Kingsley shot me an inquisitive look. 

“Are you two…dating?” he asked in a low voice and I shook my head in response. “So, nothing happened between the two of you?”

I let out a harsh, “No, nothing happened. Young women like Tonks don’t go for men like me.” I was telling myself that more than Kingsley.

He gave me a sharp look upon hearing my words and said, “I’m only asking because she’s attracted to you.”

The words shocked me and I blinked as if I could bat away his words with my eyelashes. Then I responded in a low voice, “No - she doesn’t.” Kingsley opened his mouth to whisper a rebuttal when Tonks wandered out of the bedroom. We dropped the conversation. 

Sirius was upset with me when I made my way to Grimmauld Place that evening. He was in a sour mood when which Harry though was due to his verdict. I assured Harry that Sirius’ moping was due to a larger problem, one that had little to do with Harry’s hearing. When Harry gave me a quizzical look I said, “Thick-headedness.” I smirked and so did Harry but I didn’t think he bought my explanation - I didn’t buy it either. I didn’t have to wait too long to figure out what was bothering Sirius.

“Have fun last night?” Sirius asked peevishly after the others went to bed. His eyes communicated jealously, a feeling that I thought was foreign to the man. My response was to raise an eyebrow at him. Of course I didn’t have fun. Who has fun when their body is ripped apart to unleash something truly animal? Sirius was crossing his arms now. He reminded me of an overbearing girlfriend who caught her bloke _studying_ with a girl in the library late at night. 

“Padfoot, I’m not sure we’re on the same page.” My tone was delicate, this was a new emotional side to Sirius. In our youth, he would have been coldly indifferent to time spent with someone else and any complaints would be said with a laugh. “I didn’t invite her over,” I reminded him calmly.

Sirius cut me off with an angry, “You didn’t kick her out either.” This was getting quite ridiculous.

“She came to me distraught,” My voice was slightly raised. “Did you want me to kick her to the curb?” Sirius huffed loudly. “Sirius, you can’t go on moping about this. You can be mad at me for not kicking someone out because she was desperate for a friend, but you could try to smile once and a while around Harry. He thinks you’re upset about him returning to school.”

I paused waiting for Sirius to tell me that, of all the things causing him to run around like Moaning Myrtle, Harry’s return to school was not one of them. I was thoroughly disappointed when no such words came. I stood up to better glare at the prat. “You should really rethink your attitude and how it affects people you love.” I stole to my room making sure to lock the door as Sirius tended to barge in after fights like that. 

Tension between Sirius and I settled down over the next few days. I came to the realization that our relationship was comparable to that of an old married couple, which we could have been if our relationship hadn’t taken a nosedive. It was almost as if we carried forward the closeness without the romance we once knew.

Tonks stopped by in a panic a few days later. She had been dining with her parents and they asked about her boyfriend. Ted, Tonk’s dad, worked for the Ministry and had worked with Scrimgeour at one point. It would be a stretch to call them friends, but they were friendly enough for it to be within Scrimgeour to ask about Tonks’ dating situation. Given her track record of being an excellent liar in times of need, I was intrigued to hear what she said to her parents.

When she said, “I told them I was dating Remus,” in a quiet, shy voice, I felt my face stiffen. Tonks’ face was pleading - last hope type of pleading. She needed help to get of a bind and there was no real desire to date. On that pretense, I said I could help her out and go along with her deception. 

Molly and Arthur were somewhat dumbfounded by her choice of fake-boyfriends, as were Sirius and I.  All of this seemed that this turn of events confirmed something to Sirius, judging by the looks he was giving for the rest of the evening.

Dumbledore came by unexpectedly that night. He wanted to cross paths with Tonks since her run-in with Dawlish. Dumbledore stayed with the larger group as we discussed Dawlish and Scrimgeour. I felt slightly embarrassed that Dumbledore noticed that my gaze fell onto Tonks much more than it did anyone else in the room. His eyes were twinkling after the third time he caught me unable to look away from her face. When Tonks left, Dumbledore left with her. I imagined that he wanted to have a word about security.

After they were out of sight, Molly turned to me and said, “Looks like the cats out of the bag now, eh, Remus?” She was grinning in a knowing way. 

Sirius was smirking too. “I told you guys.” I sat up a bit straighter than usual trying to appear as composed as I could. They all exchanged looks that made my neck burn red. 

I stood up slowly. “I don’t know what you mean. We’re just friends. She knows I’m ill-suited for a relationship,” I said evenly. “I should get to bed - I have to work in the morning.” I was thankful for the darkness and silence of my room, feeling slightly betrayed by Sirius.

It stung to know that he had openly gossiped about me. My thoughts were not given the chance to mesh out very well that night as it was only a matter of minutes until Sirius came charging into the room barking. I let out a shout of fright and Sirius transformed into himself laughing.

“Sod off, Padfoot,” I said pulling my covers up to my chin. This felt like our school days but worse because we were older and in theory more mature. 

Sirius laid on top of my covers making a sad face. “Come on Moony, they were bound to put the twigs together and see you have a broomstick.” I didn’t answer, I was trying to work out his analogy. I figured that bad analogy skills ran in the family. “You two have been making eyes at each other since you met.” he said in simpler terms. “We haven’t been ferreting around talking about it either,” Sirius said successfully guessing my next thought. “Arthur mentioned something about you two the other night after the kids were in bed. Molly and I both thought you two were chummy…” 

Whatever Sirius said to the contrary it did sound like they were comparing notes when Tonks and I weren’t around. “If you’re kipping in here, get your own blanket,” I said without acknowledging his explanation. I rolled over so my back was to my best friend. “Good night, Sirius.”

I didn’t mean for my voice to be so cold. I didn’t like half of the Order being privy to my personal life, especially when they were whispering about things that weren’t true. Sirius got up and left after saying a dejected good night. 

Some people might say I was being pig-headed, thick, stubborn, what have you, but I was guarding myself  _and_  Tonks from what was bound to be a disaster if we were given a chance. I couldn’t be sure she even fancied me. Sure, she had kissed me - once. Well… more than once, but kisses on the cheek are friendly, as was the good-luck kiss. I couldn’t deny that I harbored feelings for her but I refused to let myself go down that road again. 

Molly had Tonks over for dinner midweek. I didn’t mind spending more time with her; we had to go over our story for her parents. It turned out that Andromeda lost her temper when Tonks said she was dating me and I couldn’t blame her as I was a horrible partner for anyone. In an attempt to bring peace, Ted said they’d have the two of us over for dinner, which I knew when I agreed to be her decoy man. I followed Tonks’ lead and didn’t mention our ‘date’ for Friday. It was, after all, Order business. 

Sirius was in another sulky mood that day, sauntering in for dinner about twenty minutes into it. Tonks was being her usual loquacious self - her liveliness made my insides squirm in ways that they hadn’t squirmed since I took the N.E.W.T.s. After dinner, everyone made their way up to bed until it was just the adults downstairs. I made tea and offered a cup to Tonks as I sat down next to her. Molly and Arthur went upstairs looking rather lasciviously at one another. Sirius smirked as they left. I, however, had other things on my mind than Arthur and Molly’s love life. 

“I think we should go over our story,” I said quickly not quite meeting her eyes. I pointed my wand at a drawer and summoned some parchment and quills. “Do you have any ideas?”

Tonks nodded. “I’ve been thinking about it since m’Dad invited us over,” she said labeling the parchment ‘ _Remus & Tonks_’ with a heart around our names. I glanced up at Sirius who was watching us interestedly. “I ran into you at the Ministry. I was researching about motorcycles and you were looking up something on…” she paused meeting my eyes. “Suggestions?” 

I laughed quietly and leaned closer to her to see her notes. “Hmm.” I was trying to think of the layout of books in the Hall of Knowledge, wanting to be realistic. “Manticores,” I decided. “It would be close by.” Tonks nodded jotting down my answer. “So we were just looking at books and started dating?” I asked with a glance at Tonks’ heart shaped face. She had been the one contemplating this for a few days - I was expecting some embellishment.

Tonks shot me a stern look. “Don’t be a dolt - I’ll think Sirius is rubbing off on you.” Sirius shrugged indifferently to her jibe. “I tripped and our books and papers got mixed up,” she said grinning. “We had to spend  _hours_  separating the books.”

“More like your limbs,” Sirius interjected with a boyish grin. 

Tonks continued, ignoring his comment. “Then you offered to take me out for drinks. We’ve been seeing each other since then.” Tonks looked somewhat apprehensive. I could tell she didn’t spend a lot of time romanticizing. “How does it sound?” 

“Sounds like you’ve had your nose in too many trashy novels during your Duty,” Sirius said laughing. “How exactly did you manage to charm him so in one afternoon? Why didn’t it annoy him to pieces that you put such a dent in his schedule?” I could tell that Sirius was enjoying goading us, but it was getting in the way. 

“I think it sounds perfectly feasible,” I said to cut off his barrage of questions. “We could add that I was captivated by your smile, just to add something in there to distinguish this from all of the other trashy novels being written about us.” Tonks smiled the very same captivating smile I was thinking of moments before and Sirius rolled his eyes. “And we could say that we talked about our common interests while out for drinks.” 

Tonks had a pensive expression on her face. “Common interests?” She was jotting down the highlights of our conversation. “Quidditch?” I nodded. “Who’s your team?” I said it was Braga Broomfleet, causing Tonks to make a face. “I’m for the Appleby Arrows.” I chuckled - that team hasn’t won in their league as far back as I could remember. “How about Defense against the Dark Arts?” I raised my brow. “Well, you were a D.A.D.A. prof and I’m an Auror. That’s enough to make a connection.” I agreed feeling that this conversation would get me into a few uncomfortable moments. 

We continued to piece together our pseudo-relationship until we had most of the finer details hammered out. We decided that our first date would be a homemade dinner, made by me of course. Our first fight, in case they asked, was about Quidditch. Everything was taking shape until Sirius finally interjected and pointed out a gaping hole in our story.

“What about physical stuff?” Sirius laughed derisively at the blank stares on our faces. “Birthmarks for one. And you should know he has a giant—” I kicked Sirius from under the table. I didn’t know what he was going to say, but I certainly didn’t have a giant anything that warranted the smirk he had on his face. “Then snogging and whatnot. They’ll at least expect you to hold hands.”

I felt my cheeks go red. “We’re _not_ snogging in their living room.”

Laughing, Sirius stood up. “Best of luck, love birds. I am turning in.”

My eyes followed Sirius out of the room, waiting until he was out of site to return my gaze to our parchment. It was nearly full of facts we had invented. Tonks scooted her chair closer to mine squinting at the parchment. Our bodies were close together in the same way people are pressed together while hiding in a broom shed.

“I agree with you about the snogging,” she said in a low voice. Tonks’ eyes met mine as she said, “Thanks for doing this, by the way.” I wanted to take Tonks into my arms and confess that I’d do anything for her when Molly bustled downstairs looking quite pleased. 

It was Molly’s gasp that caused Tonks and me to start. “I didn’t think anyone was down here,” she said taking in a sharp breath. Molly grabbed a book and headed upstairs quickly. We both returned our attention to the parchment rereading it for flaws or gaps in our façade. 

I cleared my throat slightly before saying in a business-like tone, “Some kissing, though nothing drastic would be expected.” I glanced at Tonks again before saying, “You don’t have to thank me - I’m happy I can help.”

Tonks smiled at me, and, being taken over by the usually dormant romantic in me, I held her hand rubbing it gently with my thumb. Tonks shuddered imperceptibly, letting out a distinct hint of arousal and need.

“Do you want to come back to my place tonight?” she said into my ear. Her warm breath tickled my neck causing the hairs to perk up with excitement. 

When our eyes met, I could see that she was burning up with passion and lust in the same way I was. Our lips started in a slow sensual kiss that quickly turned lecherous. Thoughts of kissing her in the most intimate places and holding her all through the night ran through my mind like a stampede. I wanted her, I needed her, I loved—that’s when I pulled away. It was  _wrong_. 

“I— _we_  can’t do this,” I forced myself to say. “It’s fine that we’re ‘dating’.” Much to my embarrassment, I used air-quotes to emphasize my point. “But it’s not a good idea to  _really_  date. I’m—” I was going to say that I was too dangerous, but Tonks beat me to the punch-line. 

“You’re what? Too old? A werewolf? That doesn’t matter to me, Remus.” Tonks was breathing heavily. I half expected her to punch me. She regained some composure and stood up. “I should go,” she said quietly. Tapping the parchment with wand, she made a copy of it for herself and left. I remained alone at the table thinking that my attitude on love would ruin anything I had with Tonks. After a while in solitude, I traipsed upstairs sometime later full of self-loathing.   
  
 A/N: The chapter title and summary are from A Poison Tree by William Blake. Please review!


	4. A Draught of Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the green of the hill   
> We will drink our fill   
> Of golden sunshine,   
> Till our brains intertwine

I mucked around at work the next day unable to set my mind to anything. Macnair was in a nasty mood that day and rode me for it every moment he could. I didn’t pay him much attention as I was too busy analyzing those perilous thoughts that had entered my mind the previous night. 

_Love_.

How could I be so foolish to let myself think I  _loved_ her? Even worse was the dejected look in Tonks’ eyes when she left. I had hurt her but I did so to save her from me. It was flawed but would be best in the long-run. 

My mantra of ‘just friends, nothing more’ was interrupted when I received an urgent memo from the Auror Department. I didn’t have to read it to know it was from Tonks - her scent called out to me right away. I opened it feeling unsure about its contents. I felt my stomach flutter as I opened it. The message was brief:

_Hall of Knowledge, after work, Friday._

I looked at it for a few minutes tying to extract any hidden meaning in her words, soon realizing that there was none. I wrote her a quick note saying that I’d be there, figuring that she wanted to meet up for one of three reasons. Either to go over our story one more time, yell at me for the other night, or look up ways to secure her flat. 

When I looked around the Hall of Knowledge the next day, I didn’t see Tonks right away. I went up to the bored looking clerk to ask if he’d seen her. He’d remember if he had, she’s hard to miss.

“Excuse me?” He looked up from the book he was browsing. “Have you seen a young witch with…” I had to think about her hair color, for I knew, it could be baby blue that day. “Pink hair?” I figured that pink was a safe bet. 

The young man, who appeared to be Tonks’ age said, “You mean the one with the book on shagging werewolves?” I didn’t know how to answer - were there many pink-haired witches with books on shagging werewolves? I doubted there were many pink-haired witches, let alone a gaggle of them with  _that_  kind of book.  _Why_  would she have a book on shagging werewolves? Perhaps it was a passing fancy. That’s what I was - a temporary object of curiosity and lust.

“She’s over there,” the clerk said pointing to a table that was mostly out of view. Despite feeling that I needed to discourage this apparent train of thought for Tonks, I couldn’t make my smirk go away as I approached the table. I found myself uncomfortably excited thinking of Tonks up late reading a book on werewolf shagging. Taking my seat carefully, I rued my decision to wear my nice-butt trousers as they were a bit snugger than what I usually wore.

“Wotcher, Remus,” Tonks said with a forced grin. I wondered if she overheard the clerk but decided not to ask. Her strained smile could be from still being upset with me. “I thought we could look over some ways to safeguard my place.” Tonks had a stack of books at her disposal, evidentially quite adept at navigating her way around a library.

I reached for one of the books she had for us and paused. “What kind of defense did you have in mind?” I asked looking at her books. “We could make it unplotable, but that wouldn’t keep him from finding it again, that’d just keep new visitors from getting there.”

Tonks grinned at me saying, “Well, I _would_ still like some new visitors.”

Ignoring the grin on her face, I asked, “So you need hexes and jinxes?” I couldn’t help but wonder why she needed  _my_  help for this.

Tonks nodded while thumbing through a book. “I figured you’d be able to rattle of a whole book of useful hexes and jinxes seeing as you were a D.A.D.A. prof.” Tonks didn’t look up from her book but had a slight flush working down her neck. 

I squirmed in my chair telling myself to get a grip. “ _You’re_  an Auror and should be able to fill up several books on jinxes and hexes,” I said, returning her grin. “Let’s make a list.” I pulled out a piece of parchment titling it ‘Useful Jinxes and Hexes for the Protection of Nymphadora.’ Leaning across the desk to read it, Tonks crossed out Nymphadora and wrote ‘TONKS.’

“Do you think we need to expand on the title?” she asked innocently.

I rubbed my chin for a moment. “No, I like long things.” She sniggered and I was reminded forcefully of Sirius. “Long titles that is.” I lowered my voice conspiratorially, “It seems that good looks aren’t the only trait that run vapid in the Black family. The whole lot of you are lewd as trolls.” I could have kicked myself for jumping into flirtation mode.

Tonks flipped through her book a bit more saying “It’s all part of our natural charm and grace.” Now it was my turn to let out a low laugh.

“Grace must skip a generation at times,” I teased, unable to turn off the flirtation between us. She made a face at me and jotted down a few hexes. We enjoyed making a list of hexes she could use in case of an intruder. Some of them were ones I used in school. I felt dated telling her about some of them, but she did enjoy the stories. 

Meeting her parents that night made me feel as if we were truly dating. It was a nice feeling to hold her hand, casually kissing Tonks on the cheek, and calling her Nymphadora – we both played our parts expertly. Tonks was incredibly comfortable when it came to sitting with my arm around her waist and giving my knee squeezes that sent chills through my body. I had to remind myself that it was all for the Order and that it held no real meaning for her.

Ted and Andromeda were as gracious as two parents could be when their only daughter brings a werewolf home. I expected uncomfortable questions about my age, association with Sirius, and my intentions. I was not disappointed. Ted questioned me while Nymphadora and Andromeda were in the kitchen together. I highly doubted that she was actually helping but giving her father and me a chance to talk.

“You know, you’re the first bloke she’s ever brought home,” Ted said in a low voice. I opened my mouth unsure how to respond to that. “Nymphadora is happier than I’ve seen her in a long while,” Ted added with a smile. 

I was able to smile at this remark. “She’s the one who brightens my life,” I said this in all honesty. Tonks was a ray of hope that somehow reached the darkest cell in the most decrepit prison. “I can understand where you and Andromeda would have misgivings,” I said dredging up what I thought would be an uncomfortable but inevitable talking point. 

Ted shook his head for a moment then said, “Was she being that obvious?” He jerked a head towards the kitchen. “You were always good mates with Sirius… and well, Andromeda hasn’t gotten over  _that_. He actually visited her. Can you imagine the nerve? She never reported him… but she refused to help him.” Ted shot me a sideways glance. “He hasn’t tried to… contact you, has he?”

I arranged my face into a stern look, which was easy to do after hearing about the visit, and shook my head. “He should know what kind of reception he’d get,” I said with a growl. Managing a slight smile, I continued, “I’m sure Nymphadora would make some headway in her department if she brought him in though.” I remembered one of her first conversations with Sirius. “I’m sure she could use the money for a new broom.”

Ted’s laughter rang through the house. “I can see why she likes you.” He was still chuckling when Tonks and Andromeda announced dinner a few minutes later. Dinner was enjoyable - Andromeda’s skill as a cook did not disappoint. 

The night at her parent’s reawakened my romantic ideals. I had been working hard at squashing them out after I told her we could only be friends. As we were leaving I slipped my arm around Tonks’ waist. It seemed to fit quite well there even though I expected Tonks to wiggle out of our mobile embrace but she didn’t.

“I think we pulled of being a couple quite well,” Tonks said smiling. “My parents did seem to like you.” I glanced back at her childhood home feeling like I could get use to nights like that. 

“They’re really nice. I expected them to be a bit more… resistant to me.” My heart was beating fast, I wanted to kiss Tonks. She looked determined but for what I couldn’t quite tell. 

“I did threaten never to speak to them again…” I raised an eyebrow. “Well, when I first said we were dating, Mum flipped out and I said if they couldn’t accept it I didn’t see a reason for me to return.” I felt my cheeks flush – she left that part out of her initial story. 

Not knowing how to respond, I changed the subject. “I can see where you get your household skill from.” I smiled slightly as Tonks jabbed at my side. Even a sharp poke was pleasurable from her. 

“I hope you mean my Dad.” She snorted laughing. We came to a stop and our eyes met. Tonks had a burning look in her eyes which was muddled with conflict. “Thanks for your help. I’ll see you soon,” she said quietly. I had been poised to kiss her, but pulled away from her. We both disapparated after that awkward goodbye. 

Sirius was waiting up for me when I got to Grimmauld Place. “It’s always nice to come home to a waiting wife,” I said good-naturedly. Sirius scowled at me in response, making it clear he was not amused. “It was a joke Padfoot. Remember those? Laughter? Having fun?” 

I smiled hoping he’d break out of his sullen mood. “I wish I could have gone,” he muttered while manhandling a particularly ugly pillow. It didn’t help that I laughed, remembering Ted’s words about Sirius’ previous visit. “It’d be nice to get out. You can come and go as you please.”

“Sorry mate, I just imagined you sitting there pretending to date your cousin’s daughter. I thought they were slow warming up to me.” Sirius raised an eyebrow, managing to smirk a bit himself. 

“But you managed to charm them?” I nodded with a blush creeping over my face. “See, I told you! You are a good couple. Just don’t make any wedding arrangements till I’m cleared. Can’t have a—” I threw a pillow at Sirius. 

“Oh stop it,” I said with a sigh of exasperation.  “She doesn’t see it like that. She only asked me to help the Order.” This was another phrase I repeated in my head on a frequent basis. It made the situation seem simpler than my feelings made it. 

“She  _could have_  gone for a lot of guys. ‘Dung.” I scoffed at the idea of Mundungus sitting at the nice dinner Andromeda prepared. “Kingsley.” I raised an eyebrow, thinking of the scandal there would be at their work. “Then there’s Bill. He would have worked perfectly, even if he is seeing that French gal.”

I buried my head into a pillow, not needing encouragement in this foolish matter. Thinking about Tonks… being with Tonks was a bad idea. It wasn’t an issue of compatibility or being attracted to her - it was a logistical problem. 

I didn’t see Tonks for a few days but was invited over to celebrate Hermione and Ron being named prefects. I was very proud of them, especially Hermione. Harry was a bit put off during the dinner, having not been named himself. I didn’t want to say anything to him as it seemed to be one of those issues that would only be exacerbated by mentioning it. Harry traipsed up the stairs early into the festivities. I considered following but decided against it. That is, until Moody nudged me and muttered, “Trouble,” with his eye focused on a room above us. 

Sirius and I made it up the stairs in a matter of moments. The sight that met my eyes made me age several years. It was Harry’s lifeless form on the floor…but Harry was also telling Molly to leave. Realization hit me with cold comfort.

_It was a Boggart_.

I stepped in and captured the Boggart’s attention. With a crack it changed into the orb-like moon that always plagued me before I vanished it into nothingness. 

As I comforted Molly, I realized how incredibly self-centered my boggart was. It solely focused on  _my_  pain without giving a moment’s regard for the well-being of others. I had lost quite a few friends and risked losing my remaining friends with the second war… but yet, the only fear my feeble mind could wrap itself around was me and my condition. Before that point I never questioned my ‘no love’ rule. It seemed practical, kind of like muggle life insurance. 

That night, I started to think of my no love rule as selfish at best. Maybe I was incapable… perhaps for the last decade and change I had been hiding behind my condition as an excuse not to extend myself to others in an intimate way. I was certainly capable of caring for others and had experienced love in the past. I spent a good deal of my life  _caring_. Loving was different. The faces of three loved ones floated through my mind that night. Two of them were tucked into their beds at Grimmauld Place. The third was one I kept trying to brush away. Perhaps a change in opinion regarding love was well overdue.

A/N: This chapter title and summary are from A Draught of Sunshine by John Keats.


	5. Crossing the Bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place   
>  The flood may bear me far,   
> I hope to see my Pilot face to face   
>  When I have crost the bar.   
> -Lord Alfred Tennyson

The gap between deciding to allow myself to love and actually doing so was as easily joined as two sides of a canyon. I wanted to see the two ideas connect, but I felt I could fall into the unknown depths below if I failed. Even worse, I could pull the people…person I loved with me. I had a quasi-formed plan which I probably could have pulled off under ideal conditions, but life in the Order, with Sirius, was far from idyllic. 

It didn’t help my plan that Sirius decided to join us in escorting Harry and the others to Kings Cross. I left with Ginny, Fred and George so I wasn’t aware that Sirius left Grimmauld Place until we saw him on the platform. I was beside myself, as was Molly. He was going to get caught than half of the Order would be in hot water. Tonks and Kingsley were supposed to catch Sirius, not dine with him at his place and conspire against Voldemort with him - they would at best lose their jobs but the most plausible result would be a cell in Azkaban. I tried my best to put on an amicable face when I said my goodbyes, but the moment the train whipped out of sight, I had Sirius by the scruff of his neck. 

“What were you thinking?” I hissed at him. “You could have been caught, got the whole Order in trouble. Tonks and Kingsley would  _lose their jobs_. The Weasleys… they’d get hauled in too.”

Sirius was growling at me, contempt at being told off was clear behind his eyes. I glanced back at the platform and saw Tonks transform from her old lady disguise. In the midst of my boiling anger I noticed that Tonks had been just as beautiful in her disguise as she usually was. I also noticed that she was talking to Moody which deflated the vague plans of asking her out for lunch – as did escorting Sirius back to Grimmauld Place.

When we got back to Grimmauld Place, Sirius changed back into his human form with a foul look on his face. He was seething with anger from my whispered admonitions our entire way home. We didn’t yell at one another, but our eyes conveyed anger with one another. After a few moments of intensity, Sirius broke the silence.

“I’m going to visit Buckbeak,” Sirius said with a snarl and a grimace passed over my face, quite disconnected with his hippogriff. When Sirius mentioned visiting him, it usually meant he was going to read magazines of _adult_ content. I settled into the study thinking of some jinxes I could use while he was in the act of _whatever_ he was up to. Sirius was upstairs for a few hours, which was mildly alarming when I thought about it. 

Sirius was quite relaxed when he came into the study. “I hope you washed your hands,” I muttered with a cringe as Sirius plopped onto a nearby chair. 

“I was reading,” he said in a dignified voice. I was going to say that a book never put that kind of smirk on his face, but Kingsley came tearing into the house, causing the retort to die in my mouth.  

Kingsley was the type of man who could look calm while juggling flaming firewhiskey bottles with a crowd of chimeras at his feet. So, the sight of him looking peeved, if not slightly stressed was quite alarming.

“You were spotted,” he said without preamble. His low rumbling voice was brimming with constrained anger. “Malfoy connected the dots and reported your presence at the station.” Sirius’ eyes opened wide in surprise. The look, one I had seen many times, told me that he had not thought his actions through. When he set out that day, his mind was not on the array of consequences. No, his mind was set on having a laugh not on the ramifications. 

“Is there anything we can do to counter his claim?” I asked feeling a rush of guilt for my anger with Sirius. “What if he was spotted in Egypt?” I suggested rashly.

As angry I had been at him for putting so much at risk, I couldn’t remain mad with him for too long especially not with his panicked look of a lark gone wrong. I was accustomed to bailing him out in his moments of thrill seeking, unable count the number of times he went out on a late night adventure without realizing there would be danger or how many hearts he broke without knowing he had done any such thing. I felt obligated to find him a way out of this mess. Sirius helped me in ways that he would never require assistance - always being there for me after the full moon had its way with me. Sirius was there when I was down on my luck and hopeless. 

With a shake of Kingsley’s head, I realized that Sirius was condemned to house arrest until his name was cleared. Sirius took his sentence with the aristocratic elegance, growling as he threw a book across the room, breaking a vase. Kingsley was taken aback by his display of raw emotion. I moved towards my former love, vying to establish eye contact. When our eyes met, he lunged at me and hugged me aggressively. After a few moments, I could feel his sobs against my shoulder.

“It’ll be alright, Padfoot,” I said softly, holding him in a tender embrace. There weren’t tears falling from his eyes but his dry sobs were full of bitter anguish. This was a side of Sirius that few saw, but I had grown to understand. 

“I’ll see you two later.” Kingsley looked uncomfortable with the high emotions running through the room. He turned away and walked towards the door before pausing to say, “Don’t worry, it just means that Tonks will be spending a lot of time in London.”

Kreacher’s head poked around the corner after Kingsley left. He was muttering something about Sirius being an overgrown nancy of a blood-traitor. Losing his temper with Kreacher and shouting at the old house-elf helped Sirius perk up a bit.

We didn’t see much of Tonks the next few weeks, which put a damper in my bridging the canyon plan. I felt like I was about to leap from one side without really knowing there was a place to land. What if my canyon was really just an abyss to fall down?

Tonks showed up at my place on the full moon, despite her infrequent visits to Grimmauld Place. She had told me that she would be there every month which I didn’t tell Sirius but that was a reason for me to go to my place instead of remaining with him. I knew it was selfish… but I was determined to spend time with Tonks, even as the wolf. Even when we had a row about me going back to my house, I didn’t tell him about Tonks’ plans to visit me for every transformation, thinking it would only add fuel to the fire. 

This was one of the few transformations in my life for which I was excited. The other ones were the months after my friends first became animagi for me. I was only exited for the first ones because soon after that an uneasy anxiety set in with the risk we took each month. The desire to use my lycanthropy as leverage to see Tonks made me see the monster I truly was.

_She was only spending time with me out of pity-_  and I was milking it for everything I could, such a furtive desire but I was succumbing to it without struggle or hesitation. 

My pity theory was confirmed when Tonks came over during the night. She appeared to be cheery and was quite loquacious, but I could sense she was holding  _something_ back. I could smell something strikingly close to fear on her breath as she talked about work and some of her late-night musings from duty spent outside of the Department of Mysteries. I felt like I was getting the kind of insight on Tonks that a person only gains from lots of ferreting about or reading one’s diary. She talked nearly the entire time she was awake. I didn’t have to work so hard this time to fight off the wolf with her there - it was almost as if she was my anti-wolf shield. 

The next morning she was cuddled against me. I remembered to be modest and got up with more grace than I managed the time before and was in pajamas before she woke up.

With a grand stretch, Tonks draped an arm over my chest. “Looks like I missed the show this morning,” she said sleepily. “You’re already dressed.”

I wanted to make a joke about some sort of reverse striptease but instead said, “You could always catch cartoons on the telly… if you hurry to a house with one.”

Tonks pursed her lips for a moment. “You are a brat,” she told me with a smile breaking through the words. She didn’t linger long after that and I couldn’t find it in me to ask her to stay. Not after she gave up a free evening for me.

Order business kept me away from Grimmauld Place for a few days. When I returned, I was disappointed to hear I missed a visit from Tonks  _and_  a letter from Harry. Well, I wasn’t upset about the letter as I could read it, but Sirius talked to Harry using Floo Powder. I only scolded him for a few minutes before asking how Harry was holding up.

It turned out he wasn’t doing extremely well. Dolores Umbridge was making his life difficult and he couldn’t help but notice Hagrid was missing. Sirius told me about Tonks’ visit with a keen eye observing my reactions – I was unsure if it was jealousy or curiosity on his face at my ill-disguised elation when Sirius mentioned she might come by more often. Naturally, he covered whatever he was really feeling with teasing and sarcasm.

True to Sirius’ word, Tonks did come by more often after that. Almost daily, actually. Her renewed presence at Grimmauld Place marked what I refer to as, ‘The Underhanded and Overexposed Prank War of 1995.’

People never take me for a mischievous person – if someone puts salt in the sugar bowl, the finger of accusation rarely comes my way, even if I’m the perpetrator. When I was younger I found it bothersome to be underestimated in the realm of mischief-making, but as I aged and managed to evade detention and other such punishments, my meek and mild behavior was the greatest asset in ruckus rousing. People, even my closest friends, took my quiet observations and suggestions to heart without realizing I had a scheme going on. I didn’t abuse this trust people put in me, but I did occasionally play with it. Such an occasion came up when Tonks came into the study one evening with a mortified expression on her face.

I opened my mouth to inquire about it when she said, “Sirius  _really_  needs a hobby. I went up to his room to see if he had notes from the last meeting and he was,” she paused, lowering her voice and said, “beating the bludger! I thought he was up there spending time with the hippogriff!” 

Sitting up a bit, I felt slightly embarrassed that she walked in on _that_. “He usually says that as a euphemism. I think he started saying that this summer so Harry wouldn’t know his true pastime when bored or frustration.” I paused for a moment, a horribly brilliant idea flittered across my mind. “He’s been obsessed with this  _adult_  magazine for months. I think he likes one of the writers in it.” Tonks rolled her eyes. “Well, the pictures too,” I added with a grin. “You know, I think it’s having a negative impact on him but it’s his one point of happiness.” I wore a concerned look on my face as I finished the sentence, careful to keep my voice light and conversational. Subtlety would make or break my plan. 

Tonks’ face formed a mischievous smile as she formed the thought I was going for. “Where does he keep his stash?” she asked nonchalantly, the attempt at coyness was quite endearing. 

I fidgeted with my hair for a moment, trying to appear at odds with myself. “Well… Last time I walked in on him, he was stuffing it back into the drawer of his nightstand. You’re not going to… I mean, his  _lives_  for those magazines.” Tonks gave a charming smile that bore a striking resemblance to Sirius and said she was only curious. 

Sirius must have taken a break from his recreational activity. It took him a good three days after Tonks stole upstairs in the middle of a meeting for him to say anything about his magazines. Tonks was on duty the night he finally broke down and informed me of his loss. He was a bit peaky and seemed quite strained for a man with not much going on in his daily life.

“I might have to _actually_ murder someone,” he said, glaring at my shoulder. “They’re gone.”

I raised my brow to show confusion at his statement. “Your marbles have been gone for quite a while. Are you just now missing them?” I loved playing thick when I knew exactly what he meant, but catching on too quickly would be a giveaway. 

Sirius gave me a rare stern look. “I mean my magazines... Tonks took them.” Sirius dug into his pocket and showed me a note. _Find a new hobby_ was all it said. I recognized the handwriting from the note Tonks sent me a month beforehand. “She replaced them with some trash on gardening and spells to prevent dry rot. Even worse, she made the cover and first few pages look normal.”

Taking a moment to marvel the planning Tonks put into her pranking, I admired how clever and unusually stealthy she was as she only missed five, maybe ten minutes of the meeting during which she got up with a wink and returned with a smirk.

“That’s quite… uh, odd,” I said trying to sound as if her knowing about his collection was news. Sirius blushed – such a rare occurrence that I should have taken a picture, but I thought that’d put a dent in my scheming.

“She walkedinonme a bit back.” Sirius’ flushed face wasn’t looking at me. It wasn’t the first time someone entered a room to find him doing something sexual, having walked in on him with other people several times through the end of our relationship and numerous times in school before we were a couple. It was new to find him acting alone in potentially compromising situations.

I made a sympathetic face. “That’s… awkward,” I muttered. “Bet she was a tad upset.” Sirius looked over at me, a torn expression on his face. 

“She left before I realized she was there. I did her say ‘oh gross’ as she left. I guess she went home or something after that, though, I figured she’d march down here and tell you about it.” I shook my head feeling a twinge of guilt for my white lie. “I really miss those magazines,” Sirius said listlessly.   
  
“You are better off without them,” I said conversationally. “I don’t see the allure.” Sirius cast me a dark look, spurring me on. “Well, I don’t. You go on about them and all, but it’s just not my cup of tea.” The thought of tea brought another twisted thought into my head and I held back a smile. 

Sirius sighed, his attention wasn’t on me or what my face was doing. “It’s that toomanycurls. Her stories…” He let out a grunt of what I took to be lustful approval. This was a new development - I had suspected that he was into the stories, perhaps even one of the writers, but this person didn’t even use their real name!

I laughed mirthlessly. “How do you even know it’s a real person? It could be a group of people under one name.” Sirius face twisted in disgust. “Or, worse, they could be completely hideous. You never know with these types.” Sirius, who was out of dirty looks, did a rather rude hand gesture. I let my idle laughter die down before saying, “Are you going to mention this to Tonks?” 

Sirius shook his head. “How would that sound? ‘Alright, hand over the magazines and no one gets hurt.’” He was doing his best auror impression and it sounded like a mix of cowboy and Moody’s growl. I left the subject alone for the rest of the day, wanting to keep my hand in this undetectable for the time being. 

My tea idea came back to me a few days later at breakfast. I was able to start up the conversation without preamble as I usually mentioned Tonks at strange intervals.

So when I said, “Tonks doesn’t ever make her own tea.” Sirius merely raised his eyebrows as if to say ‘so what?’ “She never even looks to see if there’s cream or sugar in it - she could ingest something foul and not realize it till much later.”

I could see some cogs working behind Sirius’ eyes. With my initial work done, I to my toast and kippers. I looked up a few minutes later and saw a glint in Sirius’ eyes and pulled a bottle of ink out of my pocket and slid it across the table.

“There are some lines a person should never cross,” I said benignly. “And when they do, some repercussion is in order.” I glanced at the clock saying, “Got to head to work.” 

Sirius’ capabilities as an elaborate prankster did not disappoint. Tonks didn’t have duty that night so we figured she’d turn up as she always made excuses for hanging around. Usually Tonks claimed she would go through social withdrawals if she didn’t have people to be around. I didn’t mind in the slightest - it caused a hopeful bubble to form in my chest and this time I wasn’t going to pop it.

Sirius had a nice spread for dinner that night. He usually had Kreacher put together nice but simple meals but tonight was almost a feast. When we inquired about the occasion, he said he wanted to try something fancier and live up to his Black name. Knowing what he had in mind, I found the play on words to be brilliant. 

The meal was quite spectacular. I could tell that he really wanted to lower Tonks’ defenses. She had been slightly guarded around him since she nicked his entertainment but Sirius was smart enough to abstain from pranking during the meal. We all chatted amicably while eating. Tonks showed a lot of interest in some of the recent werewolf control legislation. When Sirius served tea a bit later, I eyed mine a bit wearily before taking a sip. It  _looked_  like regular tea and sure enough my cup was regular tea.

However, Tonks’ teeth slowly stained a shade of blue you’d find on a trousers with ink spilled on them. Tonks didn’t notice that I avoided her eye during tea. She also didn’t notice anything on a jar that Sirius tossed to her and said, “Show us some of that auror strength.” Tonks raised an eyebrow and opened it in a jiffy.

“Who taught you to eat?” Sirius asked critically. “You have something here.” He pointed to a place on his cheek. Tonks wiped at the same place on her cheek, causing black smudge to appear. I got up to do the dishes without magic, worried that watching this unfold would incriminate me.

“You didn’t get it,” Sirius said in a long suffering voice. Tonks did a more exaggerated wipe, apparently not concerned with what might be on her face. After a few more ‘no you missed it’ go-arounds Sirius gave up the attempt by which time, Tonks was thoroughly soot-faced. 

When Tonks stood up and stretched a few minutes later I saw the other part of Sirius’ prank. He must have been very coy about it, I didn’t hear him cast any spells. The bottoms of Tonks’ shoes were loosely tied together and there were bits of toilet paper stuck to one shoe. I wondered how long she’d go before noticing she looked like she crawled out of the bathroom rubbish bin. Halfway up the stairs, we heard her shriek sounding painfully similar to that of Sirius’ mum.

“ _Sirius Black you sneak villain!_ ”

We heard a few steps then several thuds. I got up and rushed to Tonks’ crumpled form to see Tonks was glaring at me but looked somewhat amused. “ _You_  helped.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me into a nuzzling hug. I knew she was only trying to rub some of the gunk onto my face, but she sent tidal waves through my body. “You’ll pay for this, Black,” she said baring her blue teeth. I didn’t think she noticed them in the mirror. 

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh. “I might be so kind to let up once I get my reading back,” he said, leaning back in his chair. “Or you’ll have to face the consequences.” 

Tonks drew in a deep breath putting her hands on her hips. “I will not give you back those disgusting magazines.  _I threw them away_.” Tonks smiled triumphantly as Sirius’ eyes narrowed in disbelief. Tonks turned on her heel and marched up the stairs with a smirk on her face. I glanced back at Sirius and followed her. “Think he believed me?” she asked in a low whisper.

I chanced a glance towards the staircase which downstairs. “Judging by the look of deep loss, yes.” I gazed into Tonks’ eyes for a few moments. “They’re not gone, are they?”

“No, I kept them. They’re an interesting read, actually.” I worked hard not to laugh. Then I worked even harder trying not to imagine what she did while reading. “I should go though,” Tonks said with a step back from me with a confused look in her eyes.

Tonks turned to go and I grabbed her hand. “You’ll want to check a mirror again.” I cupped her hand in my face and ran my thump across her lips. “Your teeth are blue.” Tonks pursed her lips before saying thanks and going. I turned to go comfort Sirius. I was sure he would be mourning until Tonks returned his treasures. Sirius took his supposed loss in stride, saying could always buy more. I wasn’t listening as he formed vague plans for avenging his pride. I was going over my interlude with Tonks. Minus the dialogue about blue teeth and smut magazines, we shared a rather romantic moment. I felt another surge of hope. Perhaps it wouldn’t be as difficult as I thought to bridge the canyon in my life.


	6. Take all my loves, my love, yea, take them all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take all my loves, my love, yea, take them all:  
> What hast thou then more than thou hadst before?  
> No love, my love, that thou mayst true love call—  
> All mine was thine before thou hadst this more.  
> -Shakespeare

My comeuppance for my mischief came soon after Sirius and Tonks realized I masterminded their pranks. I suspected something from them when all of clothes were folded inside out, even my unmentionables – the idea of Tonks and Sirius going through  _all_  of my clothes made me uneasy. I could see them trying on my robes over their clothes and doing a mock fashion show and I just hoped there weren’t photographs of this theorized fashion show. Deciding that acknowledging their actions would spur them on, I acted as if my clothing had not been disturbed.

A few days later, as I was rummaging through my wardrobe, I found, much to my surprise, they changed out  _all_  of my underwear for lacy panties. I went without undergarments that day. When I got home that evening they were in peals of laughter and I didn’t have to ask why. “Thanks for the panties, but blue and lacy doesn’t go well with my masculine physique.”

Tonks was red from laughing. “Maybe not but it’d go wonderfully with your eyes.” She raised an eyebrow inquiringly and said, “May we see them?” Managing to keep a straight face, she continued, “Sirius and I spent a while picking those out for you. It’s so hard to catalogue shop for people.”

Judging by their expressions of barely contained glee, they spend quite a few late nights to orchestrate the panty plan. Perhaps if I had responded to turning my clothes inside out they would have been contented. 

“Tonks and I got to talking while you were at work and it was interesting to hear that you told her where I kept my reading material. Not to mention you all but told me how to exact my revenge.” Sirius had a proud look on his face. He always respected people that could pull off jokes undetected. “So, ante up, we want to see your knickers.”

I smiled benignly. “I would have to be wearing some in order to show them to you.” Sirius let out a bark-like laugh as Tonks grinned mischievously.

One good thing about our intrigues was that it kept Sirius’ spirits up. Grimmauld Place seemed larger and happier when the three of us were together. Tonks and I had an unspoken goal while at Grimmauld Place; we wanted Sirius to be happy. She felt horrible that he had to stay in there and said he was one of her reasons for visiting all of the time. Sirius teased that we only hung out with him so he could chaperone the two of us.

The thought of Tonks purposefully flirting with me made me wild, which came across as mild indifference to most on-lookers. She would do small things like read curled up next to me on a couch or idly have her hand on my knee. I made a point of walking her out every night, but I didn’t go for a kiss. I desperately wanted to envelop Tonks in a passionate… well, moment, but I forestalled. I had some half-formed ideas. I just needed to decide when and where to make my romantic move. We had a ‘just friends’ pretext to our relationship. Although there were times where that seemed to annoy Tonks, it helped keep my conscious clear. We were just friends who were a bit into each other. 

Despite my decision to try my hand at love, I was still wrestling the application. I knew that I loved Tonks; I’d be a fool to say otherwise. I ached for her on days she was gone and worried about her when she had duty. Saying that her smile was divine or that her eyes were brighter than several stars would be an understatement. She was, in a word, wonderful. I wouldn’t call her perfect -- she had faults and some rather strange quirks, but I found her those to be rather endearing. 

I was spurred into action by a comment, or lack of a comment Tonks made during my next transformation. I was unusually eager when she entered my place. I jumped up and licked her, internally blaming it on the moon’s hold on my brain. Her talk that night turned towards men and her relationship with them. I got the impression that she had dated her share of guys. That wasn’t a surprise; she seemed to draw everything and everyone to her, hence the constant tripping. The comment that forced my vague plan into a definitive idea pertained to kissing.

She was telling me about her first kiss then she said as side comment, “Not too many men are  _really_  good kissers. I think I’ve had four  _really_  good kisses. Well, five” I lifted my head off her lap with interest, wondering if I was one of those five. I guessed that I wasn’t one of them after Tonks yawned loudly instead of indicating my place on her list. 

 I followed Tonks into the bedroom and got on the bed. I was pulling back the covers when she started to undress and I was unable to tear my eyes away from her. Tonks was smiling when she crawled into bed. If I hadn’t been wolfish that night, I would have done my best to seduce Tonks. Then I realized that if I weren’t wolfish, she wouldn’t be in the bed with me. I had told her we couldn’t be more than friends and I regretted saying it, especially when moments came up that reminded me how much I’d like to be in a relationship with her. 

The next morning I decided to enjoy my time in bed with Tonks. I woke up to her eyes taking in the details of my scared body. She looked at me with a curious expression, it wasn’t disgust or revolt, but intrigue and, though I hardly believed it, desire.

“How do you feel?” Tonks asked in a low voice. 

“Better than usual. Having you here… it makes waking up easier.” Tonks smiled at me, causing my stomach to squirm pleasantly. “Nymphadora,” She looked daggers at me. “I can’t have you in my bed  _and_  call you by your surname.” I kissed Tonks’ forehead and continued before she interrupted me. “You have no idea how much your presence helps me stay more… human when I transform.” I pulled Tonks close, keeping the blanket between us. I thought I heard a sigh but I couldn’t tell if it was of relief or exasperation. 

Our eyes met, I wanted to kiss Tonks, but I thought it’d be inappropriate at that moment. “I would do anything for you,” she said in a wispy voice. “I always want to be your… your friend, Remus.” Her hand was on my back rubbing it idly. Then, as if on its own volition, Tonks’ hand ran down my bare side and up towards my chest. I let out a moan of desire. I couldn’t believe my body was behaving so… primal. Then, as if suddenly realizing the intimacy of her action, Tonks slipped out of bed like a wet bar of soap. 

I knew that I wanted to ask her out, but I wasn’t sure if this was the time or place. The latent wolf in me kicked my mouth into gear. “Do you want to go out with me on Friday?” I asked in a rushed voice. 

Tonks, who was topless, glanced over her shoulder at me. “You mean on a date?” she clarified. 

I wasn’t sure if she’d want a date. “On a friend-date.” I said decided that a neutral term would be good. 

I heard a laugh rise in Tonks’ chest but it didn’t escape her lips. “Can’t Friday. I have duty. How’s your Saturday?” I can’t believe she had to ask. My schedule was as open as the top of a Quidditch stadium. I said Saturday would be great. We agreed to meet up at the Leaky Cauldron around seven. I wanted to try my hand at time advancement spells to make our date…friend-date come faster. I was beside myself as Saturday approached, unable to believe my audacity. I knew that the wolf had been an influence in asking her out, but part of me knew that, for once, the wolf in me was acting for the best. 

Sirius successfully feigned excitement at the news of my date with Tonks. He had been low on things to meddle with and a date was just what he needed to feel involved in someone else’s life.

“We’re going at as  _friends_.” I explained for the hundredth time. “Just drinks, maybe dance, and then we’ll go our separate ways.” This as a slight lie as I hoped to work events so she’d go back to Grimmauld Place with me, but that was quite uncertain. It occurred to me that I should mention it to Sirius before the time came. “Would it be bothersome for you if she came back here with me?”

I knew that Sirius would have a snarky retort and I wasn’t disappointed. “Counting your doxies before they hatch?” I threw a pillow at him. “Of course I have to make sure that you only have the most noble of intentions.” A smirk was playing on Sirius’ face at his ability to tease. “I can’t have you taking advantage of dear Nymphadora, can I?” Sirius goaded me for the better part of the night making comments about my intentions and protecting the family honor which I tolerated his jibes with ease. My mind was a bit more concerned with how the night would unfold.

I was almost late for our date. Sirius insisted that I model my selection of outfits. He spent a good two hours trying to talk me into leather pants I had from the late 70’s. “How do you expect her to know you have such a nice bum if you don’t flaunt it?”

“I’m  _not_  wearing leather pants.” I smirked wolfishly before adding, “What makes you think she hasn’t seen my bum before?” I usually refrained from such jocular remarks, but Sirius’ reactions were always worth shedding a bit of dignity. Thinking of dignity reminded me of a critical subject. “If Tonks comes back with me, please don’t come barging in, Padfoot.” I didn’t always mind the large black dog running into my room, but the idea of him doing that in the middle of a potentially romantic or passionate situation made me squirm in ways that were not connected with pleasure. 

Sirius promised to bugger off if Tonks came back with me. “I don’t think you need the ‘if’ though.” His smirk was bordering manic as he said, “She’s been hankering for you. Why do you think she hangs around? I don’t think it’s for the décor.” I muttered something about not making assumptions. “Well, I hate to bring an end to our fun but it’s already seven, mate.” 

I swore and stood up with a start for the dor. “Padfoot, you’re scum,” I said looking at my watch.

It was a quarter till. Not wanting to really be late, I smiled at my best mate and left. The Leaky Cauldron was packed but Tonks was easy to spot. Her pink hair called out to me like a white spot on Snape’s robes. I went unnoticed by Tonks until I slipped my arm around her waist. She was caught off-guard and knocked over a bowl of sweets. I was extremely flattered when Tonks eyed me and said that I looked good.

“I’d be lying if I said you looked good.” I smiled vaguely. Tonks raised an eyebrow. “Good wouldn’t do you justice.” Apparently, Tonks wasn’t use to such blatant flattery. She mumbled an ‘oh thanks.’ 

At my suggestion, we went to Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor. I knew that we were adults and could go anywhere, but ice cream seemed fun, light-hearted…it was Tonks. We ordered a banana split to share. Watching Tonks eat was quite hypnotic. Her mouth had the beauty and elegance of a swan gliding on water. Tonks’ lips brought the topic of sex to mind.

“I couldn’t help but notice that… that you change the subject when you start to talk about your dating history. Well everything past your sixth year.” The words came out without first checking with my brain for approval. 

Tonks’ reply was ambiguous. “I guess there are things that should be discussed, when both people can talk.” She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts. “I feel a bit self-centered, always talking about myself. I wanted to reserve some conversations for a time when you’d be able to tell me  _your_  stories.” Tonks’ eyes were expectant, clearly wanting me to share… My mind started to swim in the implications her statement held. Reciprocating that kind of information was very intimate, very common when _dating_. 

I took a bite of ice cream to allow myself time to think. In a moment of grace, the ice cream dribbled down my chin. I laughed at myself good-naturedly before saying, “I was worried that you were scared to open up to me.” That wasn’t quite right as she had opened up to me a great deal. I blustered on, “Or thought I would be too judgmental if you told me things you considered…private.” I took in a deep breath hoping this didn’t sound as awkward spoken as it did in my head. “I accept you wholly, and your past is just that. The past. I mean I wouldn’t expect you to be a virgin.” If there were a point in my life where dying was a preferable route to living that would be the point right there. “I mean…” I had to salvage this if I wanted her to even talk to me after this. “I wouldn’t think any more or less of you either way. If you were a virgin or had slept with…” I tried to think of an absurd number. “Fifty men.”

This conversation had moved from awkward to excruciating and I wanted to evaporate. “I’m not sure what you want me to say,” Tonks admitted. “Next time it comes up in a conversation, I won’t skate over the subject. I do prefer a  _quid pro quo_ approach to sharing.”

She wanted me to divulge and be vulnerable. _Great_. I told her to ask me something.

Tonks bit her lip for a moment then asked, “Have you ever been in love?” Tonks’ eyes were on me, sparking with intensity. Her question in and of itself was illuminating. She didn’t care about sex, only love.

“The first woman I fell in love with, where it wasn’t just infatuation-” This was an important distinction for me as I loved Sirius for years but explaining our past romance and breakup felt too complicated for a conversation over ice cream. That relationship would take several weeks to properly unpack. “Was named Farah,” I sighed -- it had been so long since I said her name.

Sirius had extracted the story from me after he and I were reunited. My relationship with Farah had been quite pleasant, most relationships are. It was the break-up that had been hard. Hearing that she was with me for so long out of pity mingled with shame made me question the entire basis of our relationship. I didn’t tell Tonks all of this, I gave her the Wizard’s Digest version. I finished with an unintended tone of self-loathing as I said, “I think she was better off without me.”

Watching Tonks’ eyes grow in disbelief and hearing her say, “Don’t say that. Any woman would be lucky to have you,” made my heart rate jump to that of a hummingbird. Other parts of me stirred as she said, “You’re the type of man that women spend their nights awake fantasizing about, doubting they exist. You’re the type of guy that they write those trashy romance novels about.” I stammered a quiet response saying that women couldn’t possibly fantasize about  _me_. Tonks smiled earnestly and said, “I can’t speak for other women, but I know one woman who does.”

Florean Fortescue came to usher us out a few moments after that. I paid and pretended not to hear his comment on inviting him to the wedding. Tonks and I walked back to the Leaky Cauldron hand in hand, my heart skipping as we chatted idly about the people around Diagon Alley. 

There was music in the crowded bar and Tonks asked me to cut the rug with her. Dancing with Tonks was almost too much for me; she was a sensual dancer.  Albeit, she did manage to trip more than once. I think the second trip was intentional as her hands managed to find parts of me she usually didn’t touch. Most of our dancing was quite exuberant as the music playing that night was jazz. After a few songs, the exact number was lost to me as I was caught up in the feeling of Tonks’ brushing body against mine, we sat down out of exhaustion and I went for drinks. My mind was buzzing and I was quite sure that alcohol had little to do with the nice sensation going through my body. 

It took me a few moments to notice that Tonks was talking to another man as I approached our table. I couldn’t see her face, but her anger was palpable. The vaguely familiar man had short hair that did not suit his lean, stern face. He was a broad man, quite larger than myself. I set the drinks down on the table and slipped an arm around Tonks’ waist.

“Anything I can help you with?” I said in the calmest voice I could muster. The man opened his mouth with a vicious look on his face. Tonks pulled away from me and punched him dab smack in the jaw then she turned to me saying thanks. Her thanks was in the form of a kiss on the cheek. “I think you handled that on your own,” I said with a small smile. 

Tonks shot me a look and said, “Dawlish was being rude.” I had a sudden ‘oh’ moment and connected the dots. He fit the mental image I had of him. Then I remembered him hanging around with Macnair and that they seemed to be friends. I mentioned that it had also been rude to break into her apartment, smirking slightly until I noticed the ashen look on Tonks’ face.

“Remus… can I…” Her voice trailed off as if she couldn’t bring herself to utter the thoughts tumbling through her head.

I put my hand on Tonks’ hand in a reassuring way. “Of course you can. Anything to keep that  _creep_  away from you.” We finished our drinks in a bit of a rush. Dawlish had run off to the bathroom, but I had a feeling he’d be out soon. I leaned over to Tonks and whispered, “Let’s go to Hyde Park.” She nodded her head once and we left hand in hand.

Going to Hyde Park wasn’t part of my initial plan for the evening, but it turned out to be an interesting adventure. We sat together and watched the people, the stars, and a streaker. We returned to Grimmauld Place in high spirits. 

Sirius tried his best to make thing awkward, first asking Tonks why she was there. She was still going on about the streaker when she seemed to remember that she had a legitimate reason to be there. “Dawlish.” She said simply. Sirius then went on to offer her a spare bedroom. “I’m staying with Remus,” Tonks said in a determined voice. I went upstairs as the two of them talked things out. 

I figured that I had two or three minutes to put things in place. I was thankful that I prepared, just in case. I waved my wand to light some candles I had dispersed through the room. I double-checked the record on the player, knowing Sirius well enough that he’d find it hilarious to switch something around like that. I had the _perfect_  song picked out.  _Por_ _Una_ _Cabeza_. It was a song that Farah had loved. She grew up speaking Spanish and introduced me to a lot of music and poetry that originated from other countries. I felt a twinge of guilt for recycling a song like that, but it hadn’t been a particularly important song for us, she merely introduced it to me. 

I pressed my ear against the door listening for footsteps coming up the stairs. I heard a set that wasn’t heavy enough to be Sirius and was too heavy to be Kreacher. I dashed across the room and leaned against the mantel hoping to appear calm, relaxed, debonair instead of nervous and extremely unsure of myself. 

Tonks knocked at the door and I flicked my wand so it’d open for her. She stepped in with an expression of surprise etched on the heart-shaped face I longed to kiss. After shutting the door she said, “You planned this.”

It wasn’t an angry accusation, merely a statement of fact. I didn’t answer her -- explaining that I had this moment, this night in my head for over a month seemed a bit over the top. I started the record player and pulled Tonks into my arms leading her in a slow dance. 

I didn’t need my wolfish instincts to know Tonks was aroused when I kissed her. Our lips locked in kiss that redefined my idea of passionate. I didn’t think it was possible to simultaneously forget one’s name and know with striking clarity one’s identity. For the first time since my childhood I didn’t’ identify myself as a werewolf or as a human, but as a lover.

The name Remus John Lupin meant nothing unless to me it was passing through Tonks’ sweet lips. In those precious hours I couldn’t tell you who the Minister was or even quite remember that we had one, but I could tell you how many freckles Tonks had on her nose… how many little scars she had on her hands…how her lips felt against my body. All thoughts I had of my desire for her being unrequited flew out the window faster than a bat out of Hades.

We were unbidden and raw together. Exploration and tenderness occupied the night and a good part of the morning. There were a hundred moments where I could have confessed my love for Tonks, but I withheld. Physical exploration was one thing…but confessing my love might have driven her away. Falling asleep with her in my arms and content was better than a climax, better than any good feeling I had up to that point in my life.

I was home. 


End file.
